my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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