yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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