Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
