Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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