Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
