never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
