The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
