i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
