Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
