Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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