I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
