I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
