I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
