Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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