The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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