MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
