Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
