we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
