we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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