This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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