walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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