Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
