hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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