she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
