Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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