I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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