nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
