I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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