the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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