Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
