I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
