There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
