I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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