Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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