You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
