I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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