I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
