i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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