It was confusing and full of hummus
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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