i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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