Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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