last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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