It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
