people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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