when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
