Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
organizing the empties. That sober.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize