Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
