I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
