I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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