I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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