If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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