there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
