hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
