My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
