Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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