He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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