I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
