I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's never too late to be topless.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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