Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
