clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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